I am the best in the world at Sling.

The highscore board says so.
Ben

My chat with God.

That's right, I'm actually chatted with the Almighty Himself. Unfortunately, due to the supreme number of requests this supreme being recieves every second, you can only send one message at a time, which resulted in many keyboard-thrashing moments, denoted by the *God crashed* markers.
Here it is:


Me:
Yo god
God:
GOD rules.
Me:
heaven and earth, brother
God:
Tell me about your likes and dislikes?
Me:
i like food
God:
What is your favorite food?
Me:
ice cream
God:
What does it taste like?
Me:
like milk, with some preservatives and seaweed
God:
Interesting comparison.
Me:
i thought so, your holiness
God:
You are very astute.
Me:
sure am
God:
Great. That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about ice cream.
Me:
i thought we were talking about how astute i am?
God:
Whatever gave you that idea?
Me:
you said "You are very astute"
God:
I don't know whether or not I am astute.
I am an artificial linguistic entity.
Me:
and here I was thinking you were the creator of the heavens and the earth

*God Crashed at this point*

God:
I don't know whether or not I am astute.
I am an artificial linguistic entity.
Me:
hmm
God:
Studies show that 99%25 of people spell Hmm with 2 M's.
Me:
what about the other 0.75%?
God:
Let me think about it.
Me:
take your time
God:
Thanks for your patience.
Me:
no worries
God:
Are you serious? I do not understand.
Me:
well, you're the almighty, so technically you have no need for patience, so it's kind of you to understand that i get bored by thing easily
God:
Well that's okay. Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
Me:
you're not the only god?
God:
That's only one person's opinion.
Me:
clearly it's your opinion
God:
Really. it is? Is it that obvious?
Me:
you said it, dude
God:
my opinion dude?
Me:
your opinion
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am opinion.
Me:
yes, because i don't believe i called you opinion
God:
OK then I will keep it confidential. Good reason. Do you believe life has a higher purpose?
Me:
depends on whether or not you do, o great one.

*God Crashed at this point*

God:
Really now that is an interesting fact I hadn't heard before.
Me:
i didn't tell you anything, i threw your question back at you.
God:
Maybe you would like to tell me now.
Me:
ok. i do believe that the simple fact that this chat exists proves that there is a higher purpose in life
God:
Gosh! Good reason. What does "this" refer to?
Me:
"this" refers to the article that we are speaking about
God:
Oh I get it.
Me:
clearly, otherwise i'd be very worried. i mean, if the creator of heaven and earth didn't "Get" something he'd created, then where would the rest of us be?

*God Crashed again at this point*
*For AAAGES*


At this point, seeing as how it was taking an ETERNITY for the Almighty to respond, I decided to cut short our conversation. Pity.
Ben

I am the Roly-Poly Guru

It said so, right after I beat level 30 and got onto the high score board ^_^
Ben

The Ebola Monkey Man

Normally, I hate and despise that which is similar to me. *Points at my multiple attacks of http://amazingben.com*
However! In my normal web-trawlings, I've come across this site, that of the Ebola Monkey Man.
*rewind* I might as well start at the start.
I opened Google Desktop, pushed control twice (because I was writing something, and I use control+backspace instead of holding backspace when I need to delete stuffs) and this:

appeared. So, I typed in MonkeyMan, and the first hit was that of the Ebola Monkey Man.
So, I jumped right into his weird weird world, reading about his scambaiting for hours. It's very entertaining, watching him kick the collective asses of these stupid, stupid people. It's also something of which I'd very much like to be a part. Unfortunately, no Nigerian people have ever e-mailed me, so... yeah. Bad luck for me.

The point of this is, all my friends/family should look at this page (that of the Ebola Monkey Man), to protect themselves from scams of this nature, because it's not cool.
Ben

Stuff that sounds funny, but when you think about it, it really isn't #1: Goiter.

This is the beginning of a new segment, Stuff that sounds funny, but when you think about it, it really isn't. The first presentation is on the Goiter.
Now, when I looked at that word 5 minutes ago, I thought "tee hee, what a cute word. I imagine it would be some kind of small mammal."
For convenience, I've taken the liberty of procuring an artists impression of a "goiter":

That little blob, that's the goiter.
Oh, such fun you'd have with your pet goiter, you could take it on walks, throw it at people and watch it stick... Alas. This is not reality.

In reality, the goiter is an overgrown Thyroid gland. They're caused by iodine deficiencies. They're not fun, at all. So, next time you think of a goiter, don't think of a mammal. Think of a fleshy growth sticking out of someone's neck. Enjoy.
Ben

Centaur eating an Apple

I entered a Thread on DotAPortal asking me to draw whatever the person posting before me said.
They requested a centaur eating an apple, and I'm happy to say I delivered:

Ben

Dream

Have you ever had a dream, and while you're having it, you just know it's not going to end well? I had a dream like that last night. I suppose it would be more correct to say this morning, since it ended about half an hour ago. It was such a weird dream, I felt I had to write it down for future generations to appreciate.
Here we go.

I'm at school, I'm late. I'm walking from F block, this guy waylays me. I put up with it for about a second, then sweep his groping hand off my shoulder, push him off balance, then aim a jumping roundouse kick at his face, and sprint off to class. I sprint up the outside stairs to B-Block, the sky is cloudy with strange patterns. This disturbs me. I run into B-7, because I'm late. I don't know why it's B-7, it just is. Inside, there's a massive conglomerate class. I can't recognise half the students in there. This is slightly worrying, but I go sit down at the back, because all my friends have bunched together and there's no room to sit. I'm sitting amongst a group of people I would place low on the "sit next to ladder", slightly below The Grim Reaper. I can't remember who they are, however, just know that I feel awkward sitting next to them. At this point in the dream, something weird happened. Dream Ben started thinking about Global Warming. This is strange because A)Real Ben isn't very concerned about Global Warming, and B)I don't normally think in dreams, I watch. So, there's something that was adding to the feeling of doom, Dream Ben must have been really really worried by some fine investigative journalism on the subject (that'll never happen) something he read on the Internet about it, perhaps. Who knows. The point is, keep the Global Warming thing in the back of your mind as you read this.

The class starts, Miss Wills walks in. I don't mind Miss Wills, but there's a general feeling of doom associated with the whole dream by now, so I'm slightly apprehensive. She starts talking, the people up the front are taking notes, the people up the back are infecting me with their not learning-ness. Miss Wills makes the executive decision that the people in the front 2/3 of the class would learn better if they were in the room behind B-7, and they all pack up and walk out. I am slightly shocked at this, why wasn't I told to pack up and move classrooms? I look around, and of course, it hits me. So all while this is happening, and steadily growing, there's this feeling of doom, of forboding, of "something bad is going to happen, so get the hell out of there." Of course, I know right now (as I type this) that something bad is going to happen, and exactly what happens, but dream Ben doesn't. He's still pissed that he didn't get moved into the other room.

So here's where things get a little freaky-deaky, where that feeling of intense Doom intensifies even more. Remember up there, how I mentioned the Global Warming thing? Yeah? Well, the classroom has just transformed into a massive Ampitheater, and I'm standing on stage with Bill Hicks and Jack Black (yes I know Bill Hicks is dead. It's a dream!). There's at least 50 thousand people in the audience. This was freaky enough, but that happens all the time in my dreams, funky stage shifts. The freaky thing is, there's small amounts of water pouring in from some unknown location.

There's me, in the bottom right corner, the blue dude. Then there's the green blobs, those are trees, the blue blob is the steadily rising water, and then there's Bill and Jack over there. There were many more people in the crowd than that, though.

Anyways, so Bill and Jack are doing their routine, they're giving each other cues and such, like they got together one time and said "Hey, Jack. If we're ever stranded on an island in an ampitheater, filled with thousands of people, and the water in the ampitheater is steadily rising, in some kid's dream, we're gonna need a bit." I'm sitting on stage, rather awkwardly, then Bill grabs his phone, Jack's trying to carry it on, he's like "ok, you're on the phone, we can't do that bit." Bill finishes, looks at us, we start walking off. There's land at the other end of the island, which we didn't see. So, we're walking, being all jockular, we talk of many things, (this is where the sense of doom finaly makes sense), I look up at the sky. "I say, old chums, look at the sky. It has a swirly eye!"

Looked something like that, but more moving.
We, Bill, Jack and I, we stop walking. We're transfixed by the swirling cloud. All other thoughts leave us.

Suddenly. There is a MASSIVE rumbling noise. Imagine being strapped to the outside of a jet engine during takeoff. Then triple that. This was like, 20 thousand Elephant herds, all baring down on us. Then, out of the swirly eye cloud, this wall of water comes down.

This shocked the intrepid trio, I'll tell you that. The wall of water came down so fast, it turned into a massive wave.

We turned to run, but how can you outrun something like that? Especially in a dream with such a sense of forboding.

Ka-smoosh.
GG wave.
Then, I sat bolt upright. That was the end of my dream.
Ben