How to Cure an Emo

The Emo: a blight upon our society. We've all met or been in contact with one at one point. What would happen, however, if someone you loved or cared about were to be stricken down with the terrible ailment? Will you know what to do?

Preparation

1. Punch them in the crotch, hard.
This is mainly to vent some anger at having to cure them.

2. Wash off all that fugly-ass makeup, burn any left over.
As awesome as this will look, be careful otherwise a fire could start (who knows, they might be pyrophillic as well as being Emo).

3. Smash up any My Chemical Romance CDs.
If you find them, smash any CDs by the following artists:

AFI, Alexisonfire, Brand New, Bright Eyes, Coheed and Cambria, Death Cab for Cutie, Fall Out Boy, From First to Last, Funeral for a Friend, Hawthorne Heights, Panic! at the Disco, Senses Fail, Something Corporate, The Starting Line, Story of the Year, Taking Back Sunday, Thursday, The Used, Underoath.

4. Punch them in the crotch again.
While this will be good for your venting, it's also to determine whether 5 is necessary. If they are a boy (as their pain from the crotch punch is the only way to tell), then proceed with 5, else go to 6.

5. Burn their precious skinny jeans in front of their eyes.
Skinny Jeans are for girls. Not for you. Just because you made out with 3 guys doesn't make you a girl.

6. Destroy the rest of their Emo-suit, pay special attention to the old Converse shoes.
If you think it'll make you feel better, paint a flower over the "Blood" or "Death" scrawled on the toes of the Converses. Then burn them.

7. Find the razor blade they’ve been using, keep it safe.
This'll be the thing that'll piss them off the most. For the love of god, don't put it in your back pocket.

Psychological

8. Sit them down.
That way they can't run.

9. Ask them why they’re so down all of a sudden.

10. Laugh uproariously at whatever they say in response to 9.
You don't actually care what they say, you're just mocking their ignorance.

11. Explain exactly why what they just said is stupid.
Example: "Nobody understands me."
"Maybe if you'd stop writing such fucked up poetry, people would understand you."
Example: "Everyone thinks I'm weird."
"And dressing like a girl is going to help? Moron."

12. Tell them to stop being such a drama queen.
Mainly for your own satisfaction.

13. Pull out the razor blade you ninja’d in 7, ask them why you found this in their room.
In theory, they should pale, but odds are if you found a razor blade they don't have enough blood for you to tell the difference.

14. Tell them firmly that they won’t be cutting themselves anymore (no matter what their response to 13 is).
Then look them squarely in the eye and say "Deal with it." Then laugh.

15. Snap the razor blade, melt it, then throw it away.
The melting is to ensure they don't fish it out of the garbage and use it on themselves again.

Final

16. Get on their MySpace (they have one, trust me), delete any friends that are named “xXx*name*xXx” or similar.
These people will be at odds to your curing process. They must be removed from the vicinity of your patient.

17. Don’t let them talk to ANY of their friends until they’re cured, unless you are 100% certain that said friend is not Emo.
You can't risk re-infection.

18. Show them how great their life is.
Alternatively, show them how much worse it could be.
I recommend locking them in a basement for a week, then pampering them for a week to emphasize the contrast.

19. Punch them in the crotch one more time.
For them wasting so much of your damn time!

20. Unleash your creation upon the world.

Should this procedure fail to work, repeat 18 until they're cured. If they're STILL acting like an Emo little bitch, then they're a lost cause and probably don't deserve your help.
Ben